I was thirty-five and working a desk job when my mind first fractured. I know that sounds like an overly dramatic statement, but it is the only way to describe what happened. It was my starting point on a new journey I couldn’t have imagined, and one I don’t really know if I would have chosen, given a choice. I was happy with life, married to my soulmate, with two incredible children. My job was decent enough; it paid the bills and allowed my wife, Janie, to stay home with our children. In other words, you wouldn’t think that it was time to start over; it was time to enjoy what I had built.
Later, I was told everyone fractures differently. Some people fall asleep, wake up the next day, and see little to no change in their lives. Some may even get small improvements in their lives that they don’t notice or even take for granted. I wasn’t nearly so lucky. I’m also told that having my first fracture happen at age thirty-five was unusual, but not unheard of. The usual age for fracturing is typically in your early twenties. Some of the strongest fractures occur in teenagers. Naturally, my experience was much different from that of others.
The best way to describe it is to say it's like a dissociation of the brain. Events pass around you, and you experience them second hand. I was at work with a database entry form up on my screen. I’d been staring at it for probably ten minutes, not comprehending what I was looking at. I’ve filled this form out thousands of times over my tenure. I looked down at the sheet that had my data waiting to be entered. The page didn’t make any sense to me. I was seeing it, but everything felt off. I looked around my cubicle, and it was as if I was viewing everything as a passenger from behind my eyes.
It wasn’t just my eyes that were giving me problems. Sounds seemed to be bypassing my ears. It was like my brain was picking up sound, but it was distant and echoing, with no real source or direction. Panicked from all of the odd sensory input, I stood up, which was when my world started to spin. It was at that point that I fell sideways out of my cubicle. I was unable to brace myself for the fall and hit the ground hard. Luckily, I didn't hit my head since that might have compounded the issues I was already having. I glimpsed a fleeting look at someone peering out of their cubicle at me when the world went black.
When I came to, I tried to open my eyes, but immediately slammed them shut again. The room I was in was so bright that opening my eyes was blinding. Even from the quick peek I took, my vision was flooded with auras of light, the kind you get if you look at the sun. I quickly realized that my eyes weren’t going to be much use to me right now. I tried to listen to the room, but all I could hear was a rhythmic beeping. The beeping was so loud I could have probably heard it from a mile away. Everything in my world seemed to be on overload. My senses seemed raw and overstimulated. When it became too much for me to handle, I passed out.
The next time I woke, my light perception had improved. My eyes were still closed, but light wasn't searing me through my eyelids. I took a chance and cracked open my eyes. The lights in the room were off, which was confusing given how bright it was. I noticed light was flooding in through the hallway window.
I would have thought the sun had taken up residence in that hallway, as bright as the light was. I looked around my room and finally took in some of its details: sterile, white walls and ceilings, and a slight smell of cleaner in the air. I noticed railings on my bed. I lifted my arms, and I felt something stuck to my arms catch on the bed. I looked down and saw an IV in my arm.
I had to be in a hospital. I tried to replay events in my head to figure out how I could have ended up here. The last thing I remember was falling out of my cubicle at work and the vague notion that someone was looking at me. I didn’t even know how I would have had time to get to a hospital, since it felt like my fall had just happened. How did I end up here so fast?
I looked to my right, and Janie was asleep in a chair. She looked a little rumpled, but was wearing one of my favorite outfits, overalls. The shirt was one I’d never seen before, a nice brown one, the same color as her eyes. I could see bags under her eyes, which meant she must have been stressed and not sleeping well lately, but she seemed to have slept just fine last night. In fact, I had to wake her up, which was odd, as she was a morning person.
I watched her breathe slowly and rhythmically, like someone deeply asleep. Then I noticed her watch; it was four fifteen in the morning. That would mean it was twelve hours since I passed out at work. What had happened to me in those twelve hours? Then it hit me, how was I able to read her watch from across the room? Her watch was an unlit analog model; there is no way that should be possible. I then noticed a small red stain on her new shirt. Janie is pretty fastidious when it comes to her appearance, so for her to leave a stain like that on a garment must have meant that something else was occupying her thoughts.
That’s when I started freaking out. Nothing was making any sense. I noticed the loud beeping in the room was growing louder and in tempo. The increase in noise and rhythm made me anxious, as the sensations pounded against my raw senses. I felt like I was getting trapped in a never-ending loop. I began to panic more at the sounds, which caused the beeping to speed up and increase in volume.
Adrenaline flooded my body, urging me to run, to get somewhere dark and quiet and where I could hide. I closed my eyes again and tried to steady my breathing, but that was impossible with the incessant beeping thundering in my ears. Try as I might, I couldn’t seem to stop it. I clapped my hands over my ears, trying to drown out at least a bit of the noise. It didn’t seem to help at all. The beeping was racing, matching the thrum of my heart, which was prepping me for an escape. I opened my eyes again to find a direction to flee, but I was instantly blinded again when I glanced towards the hallway. I quickly closed my eyes again as I heard more noise headed my direction.
Three sets of footsteps were pounding their way towards my room. I cracked open my eyes as little as possible and saw that the first person through the doorway was a large Hispanic man. Large is not an adequate description of this man. When I say large, I mean this guy could be a professional linebacker in the NFL. Following after him was a petite, red-haired lady. She couldn’t have weighed 100 pounds soaking wet. The first nurse towered over her in a way that I would have found funny in any other circumstance. Last through the door was a male Pakistani doctor in a white coat and black slacks.
As they entered the room, I started to sit up. I heard the flip of a light switch, which sounded like a firecracker. When the lights flared into being, it was not the soft, white light or even the slightly unsettling light of fluorescent tubes. This light was eye-searing, retina-burning light. Janie startled awake, panic radiating off her in waves. Waves I could only sense because I couldn't see for shit.
The three medical personnel took up positions around me. The large Hispanic man put his arm on my shoulder, preventing me from sitting up any further.
“Mary, grab Ativan,” he yelled. Damn, that guy has a set of pipes on him. Mary must have severe hearing loss. He might have been able to yell at a deaf person and be heard.
The doctor, who was on my left, began issuing instructions, starting with me.
“Sir, please lie down."
I winced and clapped my hands over my ears. This guy’s voice hit me like a hammer. Why was everything so loud? The Hispanic nurse ran around the bed, and it sounded like bombs going off with every footfall. Seriously, why wasn't anyone complaining about how loud everyone was being?
“Why?” I whispered back. My ears were ringing from the onslaught of noise. Even through the air-tight seal my hands were making, I could hear everything: the beeping of the monitors, Mary’s frantic steps as she ran for medicine, the rustling of fabrics, and Janie quickly getting to her feet on the other side of the room.
“Your heart rate is abnormally high. I believe you are having a panic attack, sir. You are safe at the hospital, Elijah. Please lie back for me." In med school, I'm sure they teach you not to yell at a patient who is having a panic attack. Apparently, this doctor missed that day of class.
“Doc, can you dim some of these lights and stop shouting!?”
If this had happened later, I would have had access to a care facility that specializes in this kind of thing. My attending doctor wouldn't have been confused, and qualified people would have been available to help. Unfortunately, the first time you fracture you are usually on your own, and it is a figure it out as you go situation.
Every sight and sound was assaulting me. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I couldn’t deal with any more sensory input. My senses had gone wild. I found it hard to concentrate with everything hitting me all at once. Imagine being in the brightest room ever, with ear-piercing music playing. It wouldn’t be possible to focus on anything.
"Sir, I am going to need you to lie down and calm yourself”.
“STOP yelling and shut the damn lights off!” I was losing my cool. I never yell at people, especially not a doctor, but if they don’t start listening to me, I might go insane. I realized that my voice was the only thing in the room that wasn’t loud. Which was odd because I was not using, to quote my mother, my “inside voice.”
I heard footsteps running back to the room, which meant that Mary had found whatever wonder drug the good doctor had asked her to retrieve.
“Mr. Stallman, I am going to give you something to help you calm down. You might even get sleepy from it. Please try to lie down and relax. Let the drugs do what they need to."
He had whispered his request, but I heard him just fine. I nodded, letting him know I had understood what he had said. I learned later that he hadn’t shouted anything at me and that he had been calm and rational while I was having a complete meltdown. In my defense, I was going through some stuff.
Janie and I have been known to be anxious people at times. We each have a prescription for Ativan at home, so I was aware of what medicine they were giving me. The dosage that I got must have been much larger than my pills at home were, however, because I fell asleep shortly after they administered the drug.
Sleep brought with it confusing dreams of rock concerts, only it was a drummer and dozens of kazoo players playing through massive speaker stacks. Behind the musicians were blinding strobe lights and lasers. My senses were utterly overwhelmed, even in my dreams.
Next time I woke, the lights were off, and no machines were jackhammering into my head. I opened my eyes slowly, bracing for the waves of disorientation, but none came. I looked over for Janie, but she was no longer holding vigil in the mint green chair. I heard a small whisper of fabric to my other side.
“I’ve spoken with Janie and your physicians and asked them to give us some privacy.”
I turned towards the voice and saw a teenage girl standing, silhouetted in light. Even with the background illumination, I could still make out her features. She looked like your average, everyday high schooler. She was maybe sixteen or seventeen with a head full of curls and some serious attitude. However, she had the demeanor of someone much older. It was her eyes; no teenager has the look in her eyes that she did. Alarm bells began ringing in my head as my addled brain began feebly trying to put together clues. Whoever this person was, some part of me had registered that she was dangerous, very dangerous.
Janie’s absence was also worrying. Why wasn’t she here? As I would do if she were in this hospital bed instead of me, she would have held vigil by my side until I was awake. How had this sixteen-year-old girl convinced hospital staff to leave us alone for a chat? Another realization hit me; she had whispered to me. It was still loud, but she was whispering to me from across the room. Somehow, she knew!
“Who are you?” As far as opening gambits went, it wasn't a great one, but I was confused and overwhelmed, and that question was the first one that popped into my head.
She looked over, studying me before answering. “My name is Fleur. And you, Elijah, are a mystery.”
I snorted at her reply, which earned me a frown. Normally, a frown from a teenage girl would roll right off of me, but not this one. This frown promised doom to the recipient.
“I’m a mystery? I doubt that. The only mystery I can think of is how I ended up here. Everything over the past day …”
“Two weeks”, cut in Fleur.
“Two weeks?!” My mind slipped a mental gear, unable to process her words. That wasn’t possible. I was just at work; there is no way that I could have been here for two weeks. Aside from the sensory issues, I felt just fine. If I had been here two weeks, wouldn't I be feeling much worse?
“I was just at work!”
"Where you had an episode?"
I narrowed my eyes at her, but nodded, “Yes.”
“And you passed out?”
“How do you know that?”
“And you are currently having issues with your vision and sound?” asked Fleur.
“Yes”
“Simply amazing. You might be the first person to have a double fracture. Some people get two in their entire lifetime if they are lucky; you get two at the same time, your first time!”
Her whispered pronouncement confused me more than it answered any questions. Lucky? I sure didn't feel fortunate right now. I felt like I had been chained to a chair onstage at a heavy metal concert for the last year …or maybe the kazoos were making a return performance.
Something she had said finally penetrated my mind through all of the confusion. Fractured, what the hell was that? That sounded bad, which I didn't need right now. What I needed was answers, hopefully ones I could understand through the state of chaos I was currently in.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Your mind has changed, Elijah. I don’t mean the way you think or act. Your ability to process information has changed. Your brain is currently relearning how to process visual and auditory information. That is what I meant by fracturing. The first time someone goes through the process, it usually takes a day or two before they start to gain control over these new, for want of a better word, abilities.”
A day or two? Why have I been here for two weeks? What is going on?
“Eventually, Elijah, you will be able to use your sight and hearing for things you wouldn’t believe are possible.”
I already knew my sight and hearing were screwed up. The fact that I could hear the doctor and nurse outside my door discussing one of the patients' test results attested to that. I also remembered reading Janie’s watch from across the dark room. I wasn’t sure how practical these new abilities would be.
“So, I’m some lame new superhero? Captain Hearing? Mr. Sight?”
Fleur gave me a withering look.
"No, Mr. Stallman, you are something special. I’m not sure just what you’ll eventually become, as that will depend solely on you and your choices. I am here to help and provide some guidance.”
“What am I?”
“You, Elijah, are a Fractured.”
The "F" in "Fractured" sounded capitalized, as if it were a name and not just an action.
“A what?” I had no idea what this girl was talking about.
Fleur moved closer to the bed.
“Fractured have existed for as long as we have recorded history. We think they were more abundant in the past. It’s speculated that it was a survival trait our ancestors developed.”
Sure, that sounded plausible, or I was having a hallucination.
“I am a thirty-five-year-old data entry clerk who works in a cubicle farm. I have amazing Excel skills and a great family, but that is as special as I get.”
Fleur gave me a knowing look, “We’ll see, Elijah.”
Fleur stood and turned toward the door. As she reached the door, she put her hand on the latch and turned to look at me.
“You should probably quit your job. You won’t be needing it anymore. I’ll talk to you soon.”
The next time I saw Fleur was possibly more confusing than the first.